Albert and the 'eadsman

Written by Marriott Edgar

ALBERT AND THE 'EADSMAN

On young Albert Ramsbottom's birthday
His parents asked what he'd like most;
He said to see t' Tower of London
And gaze upon Anne Boleyn's ghost.

They thowt this request were unusual
And at first to refuse were inclined,
Till Pa said a trip to t' metrollopse
Might broaden the little lad's mind.

They took charrybank up to London
And got there at quarter to fower,
Then, seeing as pubs wasn't open,
They went straight away to the Tower.

They didn't think much to the building
'Tweren't what they'd been led to suppose,
And the "Bad Word" Tower didn't impress them,
They said Blackpool had got one of those.

At last Albert found a Beefeater,
And filled the old chap with alarm
By asking for Ghost of Anne Boleyn,
As carried her head 'neath her arm.

Said Beefeater "You ought to come Fridays
If it's Ghost of Anne Boleyn you seek,
Her Union now limits her output,
And she only gets one walk a week.

"But", he said, "if it's ghosts that you're after,
There's Lady Jane Grey's to be seen,
She runs around chases by the 'Eadsman
At midnight on th' old Tower Green."

They waited on t' green till near midnight,
Then thinking they's time for a sup,
They took out what food they'd brought with them
And waited for t' Ghost to turn up.

On the first stroke of twelve, up jumped Albert,
His mouth full of cold dripping toast,
With his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
He pointed, and said "'Ere's the Ghost!"

They felt their skins growing all goosey
As Lady Jane's spectre drew near,
And Albert fair swallered his tonsils
When the 'Eadsman an' all did appear.

The 'Eadsman chased Jane round the grass patch,
They saw his axe flash in the moon,
And seeing t' poor lass were headless,
They wondered what next he would prune.

He suddenly caught sight of Albert,
As midnight was on its last chime;
As he lifted his axe Father murmured,
"We'll get the insurance this time."

At that Mother rose, taking umbridge;
She said, "Put that cleaver away.
You're not cutting our Albert's 'ead off,
Yon collar were clean on today."

The brave little lad stood undaunted
Till the Ghost were within half a pace,
Then taking the toast he were eating,
Slapped it, dripping side down, in his face.

'Twere a proper set-back for the 'Eadsman,
He let out one howl of despair,
Then taking his lady friend with him,
He disappeared - just like that there.

When Pa saw the way as they vanished,
He trembled with fear and looked blue,
Till Ma went and patted his shoulder
An' said, "'S all right, lad, we saw it too."

Some say 'twere the drippin' as done it,
From roast leg of mutton it came,
And as th' 'Eadsman had been a Beefeater,
They reckoned he vanished from shame.

And around Tower Green from that moment
They've ne'er seen the sign of a ghost,
But when t' Beefeaters go on night duty,
They take slices of cold drippin' toast.